“Talk to people you disagree with,” the doctor said. “It’s the only chance we have to get through to them.”

Several people in the audience shook their heads. “They won’t listen,” someone murmured.

Last week, I attended my congressman’s town hall. His topic was possible cuts to Medicaid and Medicare. A panel of doctors presented evidence on the importance of Medicaid. Where my representative was pandering and disappointingly unimaginative, the physicians were articulate, passionate, challenging, and encouraging.

It didn’t take long to recognize that the audience already understood the human and economic imperative of maintaining programs that support people who aren’t able to pay for insurance or basic medical care. What we needed were constructive ways to help get the message to those who are resistant to the idea.

Despite the pessimism so many in the audience felt when Doctor Donaldo Hernandez encouraged us to talk—calmly—to people we disagree with, he may be right. A large part of me wonders if we’ll ever be able to reach the MAGA cult. I believe we may reach those who voted for the would-be king out of desperation rather than conviction. I also believe that the only chance we have is to listen for their needs, not their words.

In my last post, I wrote about Compassionate Communication from the point of view of the speaker. Today, I’ll outline how it works for the listener. Before I start, I can’t emphasize enough that Compassionate—or Non-Violent—Communication is so valuable, everyone could benefit from taking a course or two to work toward mastering it.

Here are a couple points I made last week, just as a reminder:

  • Our emotions spring from needs. Our emotions rise from the fact that we have a certain need that is either being met (happiness, contentment, pride, etc.) or not met (anger, hurt, frustration, etc.).
  • Every human has needs. We are all aware of the basic ones like food, water, shelter, safety. Sometimes our emotions operate from those levels, for sure. It’s harder to see, at first, when our emotions spring from subtler, yet deeply important, needs like respect, belonging, or a feeling of accomplishment. Yet it is the fulfillment or lack of fulfillment of these needs that is most often responsible for our faltering emotion management.

What would it mean to listen to someone understanding that they’re reacting from a need met or unmet? Suddenly, you can cut through the words and even the tone to get to the heart of what they’re saying. Not that we’re required to fulfill or meet their need, but we can acknowledge it. We can keep it in mind as we talk with them and allow ourselves to resist that plunge into a maelstrom of emotions.

Here’s a scenario that might apply to our everyday life or to a meeting in the Oval Office:

A friend or family member says, “You are so ungrateful! You haven’t even thanked me for all I’ve done for you!”

A perfectly human reaction would be to get defensive, feel resentful, and most certainly not want to say thank you or anything like it.

Compassionate Communication counsels us to approach the moment differently. Take a deep breath in and out. It’s actually not important whether what they’re saying is true or false. They are interpreting your actions and reacting from their interpretation. They’re telling themselves the fable of why you haven’t said thank you: it’s because you’re ungrateful.

What need is at the root of this statement? They want to be respected? They want to feel they’re esteemed? They want to know they belong as a friend or a family member?

As soon as you’ve identified what you see as the need and the emotion, you can address what’s at the heart of their statement. “I see that I’ve hurt you. That wasn’t my intention. I’m really grateful for [the specific thing you’ve done for me]. I’m sorry if you felt [disrespected, like I didn’t value you, fill in the blank].”

One very cool thing is that you don’t even have to be right in your assessment of their need or emotion. They will tell you if you got it wrong. Then, you acknowledge that need or emotion.

The end result is that a conversation has been started, both people’s emotions can be managed, and there’s actually a possibility for growth and understanding.

I can’t say it strongly enough. Compassionate Communication is ninja stuff. It’s magical! Practice, practice, practice. Take a class to afford yourself mentored practice.

It will change your life.